Memoria
by Nameless Ookami
Summary: Two men are reunited, one unburdened by memories of love and betrayal, the other wishing to restore those memories and right the wrongs he committed. Sequel to Disappear. Rating may change in later chapters.
1. PrologueForeshadowing: Nightmare

Disclaimer: Death Note belongs to their respected creators… not me… why can't it be me? Why? WHY?! …I'm done now.

Please note that this is the sequel to a one shot fic I wrote some time ago. If you become confused while reading this, that's most likely why.

**Special thanks goes out to my dear friend Psyko SandWitch!! She has been (and still is, actually) a HUGE help in the making of this fic and I don't think I could ever thank her enough! **Now, onto the fic!

Memoria

By: Nameless Ookami

Prologue/Foreshadowing: Nightmare

_Now run along my little nightmare_

_Your job is done here_

_You've scared them all to death_

LxL

"_Light-kun…"_

_That voice… so soft… whose was it?_

"_Light-kun…"_

_Sweet… but so far away. Where was it?_

"_Why won't you answer me, Light-kun?"_

"_Who are you?" He called into the void surrounding him. "Where are you? Come out!"_

_Two pale feet emerged from the darkness. Long loose jeans and a white, wrinkled shirt hid his slim, almost scrawny figure. Fathomless black eyes met his own._

"_L… Ryuzaki!" He choked. How? How was he still… The image of the man before him became blurred with tears. It was unbelievable; it was too good to be true._

"_Ryuzaki… oh god, Ryuzaki! I'm sorry!" The detective simply stared at him, uncaring, unaffected by Light's words that, for the first time in a while, were heartfelt and true. "Please… can't you forgive me? Ryuzaki?" One step. Two. Slowly, Light approached him. "I've missed you… I've missed you so much!" Gently, he let his arms drape themselves over the detective's shoulders, embracing him tightly, never letting him go._

"_Forgive me, L… Ryuzaki…" He felt his hands on his back… strange, they were so cold… so __**bony**_

"_Ryuzaki, are you-," He never finished his sentence. When he looked down at the other man he could only scream._

"_Who are you?" L asked, his face rotting. The skeletal jaw now showing beneath his flesh continued to move, asking that same question over and over._

"_Who are you? Who are you?" A portal opened beneath him. The skeletal detective began to sink. He looked up at Light, and raised his bony hand, waving._

"_Bye bye!"_

_What? No, he couldn't be leaving him, not now!_

"_Wait!" Light yelled. "Don't leave! Wait!" He ran, trying to catch up to him. "Don't leave me! DON'T LEAVE ME! RYUZAKI! __**RYUZAKI!**__"_

LxL

"Ryuzaki!" He screamed. He frantically looked around, panting. Ryuzaki was gone… He wasn't coming back…

"Please come back… please!" Light placed his head in his hands. "I miss you… I miss you!" He cried.

"**Another nightmare, Light?"** Ryuk tenderly asked the sobbing young man. He watched him, knowing it was going to be yet another sleepless night.

LxL

The song "Sadie" belongs to the Alkaline Trio who, of course, also does not belong to me. Don't sue me!!

**Important**: I'm thinking about having some yaoi in this fic in later chapters, but I wanted some feedback on it. If you have any opinions on this, please feel free to share in your review!! (The yaoi would be between Light and L, of course!)

Any constructive criticism is appreciated, so if you have anything negative you need to point out in the story, please give me advice of some sort so I can fix it! Thanks! Until next time!


	2. Death: The Beginning

I have been so bad about posting chapters to this story… please forgive me!

Memoria

Chapter 1: "Death: The Beginning"

_Wait, I'm starting to suffocate_

_And soon I anticipate_

_I'm coming undone_

_One looks so strong, so delicate_

LxL

Since his death, he had changed, Ryuk noticed. Ryuk realized that, yes, he was not exactly the most perceptive or empathetic shinigami around (there were others far worse than him, of course), but he definitely noticed that something about Light was suddenly different, ever since the death of L. That determination to stay on top of the task force, to juggle the roles of the greatest serial killer in history and his greatest enemy and rival, was suddenly gone. In fact, the Death Note had even remained untouched for some time now. If the situation was not so serious, Ryuk would have jokingly checked the other-worldly notebook for a layer of dust.

Despite this spiraling depression, however, part of Light had changed for the better. He no longer snapped at Ryuk so often when the shinigami did not quite match the human's incredible intelligence. He became kinder, much more patient, even with Misa who, to Ryuk, only seemed to get dumber each day. And because of this damn change, Ryuk himself had changed as well. He had, for the first time ever, actually become truly concerned about a human.

Even more absurd, perhaps, was that Ryuk actually wanted Light to feel better. If Light could be easily amused, Ryuk would have contorted himself as if going through an apple withdrawal just to see the young man smile.

He also realized, however, that he did not want his feelings toward Light to be compared to something such as Rem's feelings toward Misa- Ryuk had never experienced what it was like to love someone, but he had absolutely no intention of sticking his neck out too far for his human friend, so what he was feeling presently most likely was not love or devotion of any kind. Regardless, it would be nice to see Light happy again… or somewhat happy, at least.

"It's a nice day outside."

Maybe he could get Light to say more than ten words today. The young man turned towards his bedroom window, his sleep-deprived eyes squinting against the sunlight. After a few moments he nodded and began to get dressed. So far Ryuk's goal did not look very achievable.

LxL

Light's footsteps echoed in the large, empty rooms of the task force's headquarters. He could see the group's remaining members already at work, looking at recent killings, studying the victims and crime scene reports for some sign that Kira had somehow slipped up. It was the same work that they always did… but without him here, it all seemed so pointless. Light's eyes wandered away from his computer screen, staring at the chair where he used to sit, the table that would always be covered with his sweets…

Why couldn't he be here now? He rubbed his eyes, refusing to cry in front of the others.

Why had he killed him? Why? He was his greatest rival, his enemy, but, more importantly than any of those things, L was his friend. His one true friend, and he let himself- no… he let _Kira_- eliminate him. What he wouldn't give to have that man back… but he was dead. Gone. For good.

And then the question hit him: Why was he even here? This job, this_ life_, with no L to compete with, just lost all purpose. L was the only one who actually proved to be any challenge to him, and that challenge was what motivated him to try so hard. And now that he was gone, he just didn't care anymore. He didn't care if he got caught. He didn't care if he was sent to prison.

He didn't care if he even got the death penalty.

Forget that… he _wanted_ the death penalty, at this point. Perhaps if he was dead he would no longer see his face, no longer be haunted by him memory… no longer _love_ him so much… if he could just die, everything would be better.

Everything…

LxL

Ryuk noticed that look. He only saw it for an instant, before Light wore his usual calm and collected expression once again, but one instant for Ryuk, who had seen countless humans during his thousands of years of existence, was enough. He had seen that look of utter despair, the look a human would wear when he or she suddenly stepped in front of a truck or stuck a gun in his or her mouth and pulled the trigger.

Light wanted to die.

Ryuk watched him. How could the loss of a single life affect him so? The shinigami wracked his brains for an answer, but he simply couldn't seem to understand… Understandable or not, Light wanted to die. And that was a fact.

The shinigami noiselessly walked across the room. Light stiffened slightly as he felt the death god's presence behind him before relaxing once again and focusing once more on his work. Ryuk let out a small sigh, and took out a pen.

LxL

He heard scratching. The sound of pen on paper amongst all the sounds of typing. It was Ryuk. Who could he be killing right now? He resisted the urge to turn around and look. Would it be one of the task force members? A criminal? Would it-

A gasp escaped his lips. Pain. The most wonderful pain he had ever felt. His hands grabbed his chest, where his heart was blissfully exploding.

He fell to the floor with a crash. Everyone's concerned voices seemed to be dying away, all their screams, all their worried faces… He let himself give up against that sweet pain diffusing throughout his body, and he looked up at Ryuk, smiling.

As for shocked task force members, they would never be able to understand the young man's happy smile. They would forever be contemplating why, as Light's eyes began to close forever, he said, "Thank you."

LxL

Slowly, his eyes fluttered open. His mind was clear and calm, as if he had just awoken from a deep sleep. Light looked around him, confused.

Where was he? Ryuk had mentioned that he could not enter heaven or hell after he died, Light recalled, but if he couldn't go there, what was left? He looked up at the dark skies, examined the barren lands that surrounded him… and then he noticed his wings.

They were long, sleek and powerful, and covered in dark feathers that were more beautiful than those of the finest bird he had ever seen. He had a Death Note in his hands, a new one, and a pen. He smiled. So, he was now a shinigami. What a change from what he was doing before he died. He frowned. He still had memories of everthing… of his adventures with the Death Notw and of all the time he had spent with L… with…

"Ah, you are a new arrival, are you not?"

_Wild, black hair…_

"Ryu…"

_And those large, dark eyes! Was it too good to be true?_

"Ryuzaki!" Light's eyes flooded with tears. He let them fall as he grabbed the other dark-winged man and embraced him. Why was he so stiff in his arms? Why didn't he hug back? Oh well, it didn't matter right now. He was here… Ryuzaki was here! He was-

The dark haired man pulled away. He stared at Light for a moment, cocking his head slightly, and spoke words that made Light's already dead heart break.

"I'm sorry…" L said. "Who are you?"

LxL

I feel rather bad… I've been very bad at updating this story frequently… oh well. I hope you all can forgive me, I'll try to stop being so lazy in the future! (But no, I won't stop with the cliffhangers. HAHAHAHA!)

Just to make something clear, I firmly believe that Light and Kira are two different people; there were certain aspects of Light's personality that completely disappeared after he began to use the Death Note, and Light's eyes even changed when he gave up/ gained ownership of the Death Note. This of course is just my opinion though, so if you think something different that is perfectly okay!

I'm still looking for more feedback on whether or not this fic should have some yaoi (thanks to those who already said, by the way!), so any ideas on that would also be appreciated!

Finally, Korn and the song "Coming Undone" do not belong to me! Well, until next time!


	3. Remembrance

Ah! I'm so sorry for not posting for so long… somehow with family trips and other things I was kept away from my computer for two whole weeks… ::groans at the new record:: … Oh well. On with the story!

Memoria

Chapter 2: "Remembrance"

_When you go, _

_Would you even turn to say_

"_I don't love you_

_Like I did yesterday"?_

LxL

"Wh… What?" He whispered.

"We've never met. I don't know who you are."

The poor god. He was probably so confused. Mortals often became shinigami after they died if they seemed to have the qualities of a good death god, but the whole thing was quite sudden and could be rather bewildering. L watched him, becoming slightly alarmed when the other shinigami started to tremble.

"You are probably confused, it's alright. All new arrivals are. Why don't I take you to the King? He can explain everything to you."

"The… King…" Light slowly replied.

"Yes, the King." L said, as if speaking to a child. "Come along, I'm L, by the way. And you are?" Light looked up at him, still obviously very bemused.

"Yagami… Yagami Light."

LxL

What had happened? Where was Ryuzaki? This wasn't the man he had come to know and love…. he was gone! Everything about him, save is appearance, had changed. The eternal slouch that detective always had was gone, there was no piece of candy or cake with him… He was L… but at the same time he wasn't L.

"The name, L… how did you get it?" Light asked. He had to know just how much he remembered.

"I'm not sure." He replied, shrugging. "I met the King… and then, all I remembered… was L."

"Do you feel that there is anything else you should remember?" L shrugged. "Don't you want to know?" L turned to him.

"You asked so many questions, Yagami-san." Light flinched at the honorary. "No, I do not want to know." Light's heart fell even further.

"Your inquisitive nature too?"

_Even that has disappeared?_

L stared at him, slightly unnerved. A few moments passed before he turned around and continued walking.

"Let's go."

LxL

"**L, thank you for bringing him to me. Why don't you wait outside for a bit? I'm sure my newest subject has a few… questions for me."** The black haired shinigami nodded, bowed, and briskly walked through the grim looking doors out of the King's chambers.

"**Ah, Yagami Light…" **The Shinigami King said, its terrifying skeletal features twisting themselves into a smile. **"Or should I call you Kira?" **Light flinched at the name.

"Please, call my Light, Your Majesty." The great King nodded, still smiling.

"**You have shown a quality that I have always found rather interesting, a quality that I would like to find in all my shinigami: a strong sense of justice, of right and wrong. I have watched you as you have used the Death Note dropped by Ryuk, and I must say I found your work rather…" **The toothy grin widened.** "…Impressive.**

"**I ask you now if you would like to continue to be the way you are at present, and live the life of a shinigami. Do you accept my offer, Light?"**

Light had barely been listening. And now that the shinigami plaguing his thoughts was gone, he could no longer contain his anger.

"What has happened to Ryuzaki?! What have you done to him?!"

"**Ah, I see you've noticed the slight change in him."**

"Slight? SLIGHT?! He's completely different!" Light realized in the back of him mind that he probably shouldn't be angrily screaming at the King of all gods of death, but for some odd reason he had suddenly ceased to care.

"Bring him back, make him the way he used to be!"

"**I will not do that."**

"And why is that, almighty Shinigami King?"

"**L wanted this. I will not bring his memories back if it is against his wishes."**

"And what, pray tell," Light spat, "made you erase his memories in the first place?"

"**You, of course."**

Light stepped back, as if he had been slapped.

"_**You **_**are the one who betrayed him. **_**You**_** caused him all the pain. I came to him, asking him if he wanted his pain taken away, and he **_**begged **_**me to make his pain stop." **The King stared at him incredulously. **"Did you honestly think that he would be very willing to see you after such a betrayal?"**

"No, no, of course I didn't! What I wanted to do was to make amends with him! I wanted to tell him I was sorry and to-,"

"**Forgive you?"** The King shook his head. **"Even if he did have his memories back, I can assure you that, if given the choice, L would rather kick you around this room than forgive you at this point-,"**

"There must be something I can do! Please, let me talk to him, let me-,"

"**I never said **_**you**_** couldn't restore L's memories. Do what you wish. But,"** The Shinigami King gave Light a look that made him feel like a helpless child. **"Do not cause him anymore pain."**

LxL

There was that strange feeling again, that feeling of déjà vu that he knew this strange shinigami prior to when he came here. L had not thought much about the handsome shinigami ever since he saw him at the beginning, but now that he saw Light again, here, all those strange feelings of familiarity had come rushing back.

Why did he feel this way, though? Where had he seen that shinigami before?

Oh well. Enough thinking of such things. It made his head feel odd. The doors to the King's chambers opened, and, speak of the devil, out stepped Light Yagami.

"Ah, Yagami-san, how was your talk with the King? I hop you were able to clear some things up."

"Yes, thank you Ryu- L. I figured out quite a few things. I think I'm actually going to go to the human realm now, I should get some names down." L nodded, smiling.

"Of course. When you come back, you shall find plenty of empty lodgings. The one you pick shall be your new home in the shinigami realm. Mine is right over there, actually. He said, pointing to a small cave not far from where they stood.

"Well, enjoy your time in the human world! Bye bye!" Ignoring the detective's rather creepy farewell, Light waved and then headed towards the portal leading to the human world, smiling in anticipation and more than ready to set his plan in motion…

LxL

When Light stepped back into the barren lands of the shinigami realm, he reflected on his visit, realizing that he had learned quite a few very important things. 1) Scaring the living shit out of humans was very fun. 2) Being a shinigami made it _so_ easy to shoplift. 3) Shopkeepers often kept loaded AK-47s beneath their cash registers (They were easy to take care of, of course, although Light had to admit the bullets actually tickled him slightly as they passed through him.)

Proudly carrying his loot, he hovered above the vicinity where L's humble abode resided. He quickly selected a small cave right beside the other shinigami's, and, setting down all the things he took from the human world, he quickly got to work.

LxL

L sat up in surprise when he heard a small thump outside his home. Poking his head out, he noticed a small parcel and a note lying on the ground. L quickly scanned the skies and the land surrounding his home for the give of such a strange package, but he saw no one. Shrugging, he stepped back inside, studying the strange gift.

Why would anyone send him something? It was all quite strange… He shrugged again, taking the attacked note. The simple white paper had only one line, written in neat handwriting. The handwriting, however, was not what got the shinigami's attention.

" 'L…'" He read, his fingers trembling. " 'Do you know… Gods of Death… love apples?'" He placed his thumb in his mouth, pondering the strange message. "Apples?" He muttered. "But why-,"

_Messages… pieces of a puzzle…_

_What do they mean?_

_I must find out!_

He grabbed the package, ripping it open in a feverish manner. What was this? He had to know, he had to solve it! He had to solve-

"A puzzle…?" Grasping the edge of the box with his thumbs and pointer fingers, he quickly spilled the pieces onto the cold stone floor, He grinned, and got to work.

LxL

He had worked long into the night, surprised at how tired he had become despite not being affected by lack of sleep. Finally setting the last piece into its correct place, he stared at the newly completed puzzle, not coming out of his hunched over, strange sitting position.

Two lines had been painted on the white pieces, both of them in beautiful, intricate gothic lettering. The first line was the letter L, and the second…

"Ryuzaki…" He whispered, tracing the name with his finger…

"_I am L."_

"_L is the police's trump card when they cannot solve a case."_

"_L is the greatest detective in the world."_

"_Please, call me Ryuzaki."_

"_Ryuzaki…"_

_Light…_

The detective's eyes widened. He dashed outside.

LxL

"Light! LIGHT!" Said shinigami smiled, stepping out from his dark home into the eerie moonlight of the death gods' realm. L stood before him, (his posture was now terrible, Light noticed), with a glare on his handsome face.

"Hello, Ryuzaki." Light resisted the urge to grin as he watched the other shinigami visibly twitch.

_My plan is working… _Light thought triumphantly. _His memories are returning!_

"How do I know you, Light? How am I so important to you?" Light smiled. L's glare seemed to get even icier.

"With or without my intelligence, I knew it was you who sent me the package the instant I opened it. But…" He hesitated. "I… I saw things… I remembered things, involving you, who I once was…" He looked up at Light, a pleading look in his dark eyes. "I _have_ to know, I know now that being inquisitive is who I am, but with those memories alone I can only think of hypothetical situations of how we came to know each other and how well."

"I'm glad to see you are starting to remember." L rolled his eyes.

"And I'm glad to find out that someone I used to know quite well is so skilled at being difficult-," His retort was cut off by a gasp as Light's hand gently cupped his face. A familiar, fluttery feeling could be felt in his chest as Light smiled at him.

"I'll give you more pieces of the puzzle… and then you can put them together, my dear detective."

All was quiet, and then Light took his hand away and disappeared into the dark evening sky.

LxL

So sorry again for the delay in posting this. I will be home for some time now, so I should be able to post more frequently. Thank you all so much for all your patience and all your kind reviews!

I do not own My Chemical Romance or their song "I Don't Love You".


	4. Sweet

Memoria

Chapter 3: Sweet

_Feels like something _

_That I've done before_

_I could fake it_

_But I still want more_

LxL

Things had settled into something of a routine now. L would visit the human realm, kill some people, and then return to find a gift from Light. He would learn more about himself, about the legacy he had left behind to those that knew him as the greatest detective in the world. He was able to relive the many cases he had solved, all his amazing accomplishments…

But for some reason, this wasn't enough. As intriguing as it was learning about his life and what he had done, he wanted to remember something else… some_one_ else.

_Light Yagami…_

What was it about him that made the detective feel light and carefree every time he saw him? Why was he always excited that the gifts he received were from Light, and that those gifts would restore his memories?

_Because I loved him?_

Yes, that had to be it. From the memories L had regained, he learned that he had always been antisocial, uncaring towards other and just plain awkward. He never remembered having a relationship with anyone, and his life had always been completely devoted to his detective work. There would have been no room for romance.

But then, how did L get to know Light in the first place? Then again, _why_ Light? L was slightly unnerved to find out he was attracted to (or at least very interested) in a male, but then again, Light was one of the few people he had ever enjoyed being with… even now, more of the shinigami he regularly spoke with seemed stupid, and completely inferior to him. Light was the only one who showed an interesting level of intelligence… Perhaps he should have a spar of wits with him soon. L smiled at the thought.

But if L had loved Light, why hadn't he gotten more memories about him? Was his love unrequited? He glared, writing the name of some guy who had just broken up with his girlfriend in frustration. He realized that was more likely not possible; Light had shown interest in him the instant he saw him. (_Whoops_, L thought as he watched the unfortunate man get hit by a bus.)

So what had happened between them? He frowned, continuing to write some names here and there. Then another thought hit him:

Just how close were they? A tinge of pink suddenly appeared on his cheeks. Did they love each other, or were they just friends? If they loved each other, did they…

L let his wings cover his body, now suddenly very embarrassed. He hugged his knees to his chest in his cocoon of dark feathers, realizing with a shy smile that he wouldn't mind if their relationship had been very romantic, if Light had loved him…

_So I __**did**__ love him._

What about Light, though? How did he really feel about him?

His bashfulness and excitement now suddenly gone, L dejectedly opened his wings, returning to the shinigami realm.

LxL

The usual, simple little gift from Light laid waiting for him when he returned home. What case was it this time? L had already relived plenty of cases concerning homicides and such… perhaps this one would be more interesting.

He placed the gift down and opened up the small note that accompanied it. He stared at the small message in confusion.

_Any cavities yet?_ It read.

"Cavities…?" L thought for a moment. He was always very good about brushing his teeth and visiting the dentist when he was mortal, he suddenly recalled, but why would Light ask him about that?

His eyes widened as he opened up the box. Inside was the most delicious-looking strawberry cake L had ever seen. Memories of all the candies, pastries, and other sweets he had consumed rushing back to him, L quickly cut out a slice of cake. He sighed happily as he swallowed the first sweet bite. Then he shut his eyes, smiling as he remembered Light's voice all those countless times he ate a seemingly endless amount of sweets…

"_Your teeth are going to rot, you know."_

"_Why don't you ever get fat?"_

"_That's so unhealthy of you, Ryuzaki!"_

The detective laughed softly, recalling one of his famous retorts to the constant nagging he had received.

"But Light-kun…" He said to himself. "I use my brain so much it burns off all the calories!"

_Light-kun… _So that was what he always called him.

"I think I'll go visit Light-kun right now!" He picked up the cake and walked towards the other shinigami's home.

LxL

Light's head shot up so fast he was surprised his neck didn't snap in half. He looked up at the smiling detective, holding his latest gift from the other shinigami. Light grinned.

"Hello, Light-kun." Said shinigami's grin widened.

"Hello, Ryuzaki."

"Thank you very much for the gift." He smiled. "I was wondering if you would like to share it with me." Light laughed, seeing L's knowing smile.

"You know I don't like sweets very much."

"I know, but this is a special occasion, therefore you must celebrate with me."

"Last time someone tried to get you to share your sweets with him, he got kicked in the face." L laughed.

"Oh, yes… Matsuda was his name, wasn't' it?"

"Yes." Light replied, stepping inside. "How much do you remember about him?"

"Not very much, at the moment. He was always a bit on the stupid side, but he was a good man." L paused, setting the cake down on a small table. "I… worked with him on something… what was it?" He thought for a moment before covering his face with a hand.

"Strange… it's hard for me to remember what it was…" Light frowned, placing a hand on L's shoulder.

"Don't worry, I'm sure some memories will just be harder to recover than others. They'll come with time." L's wide black eyes met hi for a moment before turning back to the cake.

"Yes, I suppose you're right." He brightened up, holding out a slice of strawberry cake. "Shall we?"

LxL

"Light-kun?"

"Yes, Ryuzaki?"

L smiled. He had missed hearing that name. He looked up at the other shinigami, suddenly hesitant to ask the question he had in mind. He took a deep breath before speaking.

"How well did we know each other, Light-kun?" Light grinned, much to L's annoyance.

"How well do _you_ think we knew each other?" L lifted his fork in Light's direction rather dangerously.

"Don't dance around the subject, Light-kun. I can kick quite hard, you know."

"Believe me, I know better than you think. No need to get defensive, I just wanted to hear your thoughts on the matter." Light hid a grin as L shifted his weight in his seat.

"Well, just going on memories alone, I would think that we were only friends. No memories I have regained suggest anything more than friendship."

"But?" L glared at Light. The shinigami was such a sadist.

"But I…" He gulped, taking another slice of cake and nibbling it anxiously. "I have… these feelings."

"Feelings about the two of us?" Light had lost his teasing tone now. L reluctantly met the other death god's eyes, nodding.

"Yes."

There was a moment of silence.

"How well have we known each other, Light-kun?" L asked, his hand shaking. "I… I have to know. Did we…?"

L felt himself being pulled towards the other shinigami. His kind, tender embrace felt so wonderful… so _familiar_. He gasped, feeling Light's fingers stroke his cheek.

_You would hold me for what seemed like hours…_

_I almost wondered if you were afraid to let go, for fear that I'd leave and never return…_

_Kisses… I remember kisses, and…_

"_I love you, Ryuzaki."_

Dark eyes met Light's brown ones.

"We loved each other, Light-kun?"

That familiar, wonderful feeling of the other shinigami's lips against his own was his answer.

LxL

"There are still things I cannot remember."

"That's no surprise. You've only just started remembering things. Give it time."

"No, no… that's not it. There are things that I try to remember, and my head and chest…. they don't exactly hurt, but… they feel strange." Light said nothing for a moment, only holding the detective close to him.

"It's probably just not the time to remember those things. Maybe as you learn more you'll be able to remember them easier." L sighed, resting his head against Light's shoulder. Light looked down at him.

"Do you still want to remember everything? Even if this feeling may happen when you remember?" L nodded.

"I'm curious to know. You should know better than anyone I have an inquisitive nature."

"Yes, you're right." He smiled. "I'll try to help you remember as much as I can. And…" He held L tighter. "I'll always be here for you, no matter what it is you remember." L smiled, burying his head in the crook of Light's neck. The two fell asleep in each other's arms.

LxL

Yay, they lurve each other now!!!!! Hahahaha::rubs hands together evilly::

L and Light: … ::gulp::

Well, until the next chapter!!


	5. Despair

Jeez, I haven't posted in ages… I'm really really really sorry!!!!! I'm uploading all the chapters I've written (I finished the story, if it makes anyone feel any better, so more chappies are on the way!!! On with the story, sorry again!!!!!!!!!

Memoria

Chapter 4: Despair

_To a hopeless cause I sold my soul_

_A romantic plastic piece of shit you can mold_

_Until I break into chokable pieces_

* * *

It had all started with that damn gift, that simple little present cloaked in sweet memories of laughs and smiles. It was such a wonderful memory… until L remembered something very important.

Within that memory, pleasant as it was, lay feelings L had towards Light that could have torn them apart.

Within that memory laid feelings of suspicion.

L's pale fist tightened around the small band-aid, his newest gift from his once perfect lover. His eyes squeezed shut, and, to his dismay, the memory he had just received still lay fresh in his mind. He trembled as it rushed over him once again…

* * *

"_Ah… Light-kun," He had said, rubbing his swollen cheek. "You really must learn to control your temper."_

"_Hah, don't give me that!" He spat. A glare marred his handsome features as he strode over to where L was sitting. Grudgingly, he snatched some of the medical supplies Watari had brought them so they could treat some of their wounds._

"_Maybe if you weren't so fucking aggravating I wouldn't have hit you!" L smiled._

"_Swearing is so unbecoming of you, Light-kun. You shouldn't do it." The man in question glared._

"_See?! This is __**exactly**__ what I meant!"_

"_What did you mean?" (Playing dumb was always so annoying to Light-kun). _

"_I-You-Never mind!"_

_L chuckled quietly to himself as Light treated his own wounds, wincing and grumbling all the while. It was always amusing getting Light angry… L would have to thank the younger man at some point; he helped the detective bring out his inner sadist. _

_The small cut on his cheek suddenly broke off his amused thoughts. For some strange reason, that ceramic vase on the table did not make L's landing very pleasant when Light sent him flying across the room._

"_Ow," He accidentally said aloud as he tried to clean it. Light's head turned in his direction. L had to admit he looked rather cute when guilt was so obviously stamped on his face._

"_Here… let me help." Cool fingers gently stroked L's face as a small band-aid was applied to the wound. The two men's eyes met._

"_I'm sorry I hit you, Ryuzaki." L smiled._

"_It's alright. I'm sorry I aggravated you, Light-kun." The younger man leaned in closer, a mischievous grin gracing his lips. L felt his heart skip a beat and he fought to keep his breathing slow and even._

"_I forgive you." He whispered, gently placing a kiss on the detective's cut._

_Then Light's lips met L's own, and the older man suddenly felt as if he was melting._

_He let himself fall into Light's arms, taking in all of the other man's kisses even as they became more desperate and lustful. He let himself throw all common sense out the window, and simply clung to Light as if there was no tomorrow. _

_And of course, the small part of L that still made sense, the part that had yet to be thrown out the metaphorical window to meet it's doom, decided to pipe up._

'_What about the case?' It said._

_L had ceased to move. After a moment Light stopped, looking down at him in concern._

"_Something wrong?" He asked between his heavy breathing. L looked up at him._

"_Light…" He gulped. "While I must admit that this experience wasn't… __**unenjoyable**__," (at this he had bowed his head to keep himself from blushing at Light's smug grin), "nothing has changed." Light's smile disappeared. He looked at the world's greatest detective without any surprise on his face._

"_I didn't think anything would change. I just wanted to do that." L couldn't hide his blush this time, but his sad frown did not leave his countenance._

"_I… I still suspect you of being Kira."_

_Kira…_

* * *

There was a reason shinigami could die from love. Love, to put it simply, was not something a shinigami was supposed to do. Love was a feeling. The divine, the perfect, did not feel. Mortals, the _im_perfect, felt. It was their feelings of thins such as anger, hatred, passion… love, that made them act stupidly, that caused them to make mistakes…

And mistakes caused them to die.

And so, feelings cause shinigami to become more like mortals, more like humans. Feelings cause shinigami to stick their necks out unnecessarily… and they paid a heavy price for doing so. But worst of all, feelings could cause shinigami to experience pain. Pain so different, so new, it could weaken or even completely cripple them.

And for L, the crippling process had just begun.

Kira… what was it? What was this Kira that L suspected Light of being? L felt so angry, so confused… Why had Light hidden this from him? What else was he hiding? Damn him! How could L have gone about all this time and not even noticed what Light had been hiding?

It was because of love.

It had softened him. He had made Light out to be so wonderful… so _perfect_, and _innocent_… But no, Light was far from innocent… far from perfect.

Oh, how he wanted to go and confront Light now, force him to speak, beat the information he was hiding right out of him... but he couldn't. And once again, it was because of his love for Light.

While L had the strong feeling that whatever he was accusing Light of he was correct about, he still wished that he were wrong. He wished that he could forget about the memory, forget about his new accusations, and continue loving Light as if everything was fine and dandy.

The information that L wanted to learn so badly… was also something L wanted to wait for. He wanted that information to wait… wait until…

_Can't this wait until morning?_

"Yes… wait. Until then…"

Until then, L would continue to act as Light's lover. But he knew, no matter how much he did or didn't want it, morning would come. And then, he would know.

The once divine, perfect being was suddenly tainted with tears. L brushed a figure against his pale cheek, gazing at the single teardrop dirtying his fingertip.

"So this is what sadness is."

The tears continued to fall.

* * *

L had always been amazing. His talents and skills were endless, and his analytical thinking rivaled even Light's. During his life, L could figure out the events leading up to a murder without even visiting the crime scene. He could learn to do just about anything, no matter how difficult it was, in a week's time or sometimes even less. And, of course, he could eat whole cakes in less than a day and still weigh light as a feather. But there was one thing L couldn't do: lie.

L _sucked _at lying. Or, more specifically, L sucked at lying to Light. While the detective could put on the perfect, calm emotionless front effortlessly, there were few times he could ever successfully hide something from Light. So, when said shinigami came to visit that day, he knew something was wrong the instant L greeted him with a smile and a cheerful hello.

The detective showed no sign of shedding tears at any point in time, and he seemed happy, as usual, to see him. But occasionally, as Light continued to spend the day with the black-haired shinigami, he would catch the saddest look on his face, as if the world were about to end. L looked happy, but it was obvious he was actually nothing but miserable.

Light sighed to himself. He glanced at L, who was silently poking his slice of chocolate cake with a fork. Why didn't he say anything? What was wrong? Why weren't they casually talking with each other, exchanging happy memories they had shared? Why didn't L look up at him, throwing him one of his small, shy smiles?

"Something wrong?" L asked. No concern could be heard in his voice.

"I'm fine," Light replied just as coldly.

More silence. Finally, L spoke.

"Thanks for the gift." And then, Light knew.

_The gift! Of course!_ L was beginning to remember more. He was remembering about how they had come to love each other, as well as about-

_Oh god…_

Kira.

That had to be it.

He mentally cursed his stupidity. No matter how little Ryuzaki had remembered, he was still the greatest detective that had ever lived; he was bound to put two and two together and begin remembering the Kira case at some point, no matter how sweet the memories he had received were.

He never expected him to remember this quickly, but then again he couldn't control how much Ryuzaki could remember when he got a gift from Light. His grip tightened on his fork so the black-haired shinigami wouldn't see his hands shaking.

"Light-kun?" Light looked up, smiling to hide his despair.

"Oh, yes, you're welcome, Ryuzaki." He got up. L stood as well. There was an awkward silence for what seemed like eternity.

"I supposed I'll go now. I've… got some things to do." L nodded. Light hesitantly moved forward pressing his lips against the detective's as if he was forced to do it. Without another word the shinigami left.

* * *

Light was a fool.

He was a fool to think that things could ever be the same between them. L could never look at him the same way again, not when Light had allowed Kira to take over, not when he allowed L to be betrayed. Light placed his head in his hands.

When L would begin to remember more and more, would he immediately become more distant towards him? Would he simply hate Light? Probably. Who wouldn't? No matter how much Light would come to visit him, L would probably come to care less and less about him. L would come to hate him.

Then two thoughts came to mind.

The first: He deserved it. He deserved Ryuzaki's hate. What sort of thing would do this to someone they loved? Who would make the most important person in their life relive his worst memories while attempting to win him over once more? If shinigami could be affected by such things, Light would gladly take a long walk off a short cliff, he felt so guilty.

The second thought, however, simply disgusted him: He should try to defend himself.

_Why?_ He had just told himself that he deserved whatever bit of rage Ryuzaki had to throw at him. He knew defending himself would do very little for his case, and his words would almost definitely fall on unsympathetic ears.

But he _loved_ Ryuzaki…

And Ryuzaki… was most likely better off without him.

It was decided, then.

Light would let L remember whatever he wanted about the Kira case. He would let L piece together the parts of the puzzle making up his death, and then… he would let Ryuzaki hate him.

No matter what, life together as shinigami was now impossible. It was, again, foolish to think it was even something that he could consider. He couldn't stay with the detective as a human, solving crimes together, and they couldn't be together now.

All they would have… all _he _would have… would be memories. Happier times that they had spent together. Would L wish to discard these as well? Light shook his head, not wishing to think of such things. The mental picture of Ryuzaki, enraged, hateful, flashed across his mind's eye.

"Forgive me, Ryuzaki…" He whispered. "Thank you for letting me relive these memories with you… one last time."

* * *

The shinigami detective, too torn apart with grief and doubt, did not sleep a wink that night.

"Light," He whispered. "Please… _please_, don't be Kira."

* * *

To any reviewers out there with an ounce of faith left in me, thank you very much… I'm so sorry I haven't posted in so long!!! I- GAAH::gets smushed by L's Kick o' Doom::

L: STOP BEING SO LAZY, DAMN YOU!!! I WANT MY YAOI SCENE!!!!!

Light: INDEED!!

Yes, as our two lovely bishies put it, I will be putting a yaoi scene in this later, so this story will soon be rated as M-

Light and L: YAY!

WILL YOU TWO LET ME FINISH?!?!?! …Yeah, so if you still have any interest in this fic at all ::gives everyone puppy dog eyes:: look in the M section! (after this chapter, of course).

…This bizarre way of saying "This fic's gonna have yaoi in it" is brought to you by Nameless Ookami at 1:15 in the morning. Sleep is for the wea- ::SNORE::

Thanks again for being so loyal to this fic!!! (if there still is anyone out there…) I'll post another chapter tomorrow!

Song credits for the last chapter: Massive Attack's "Dissolved Girl" (...I think) and this chapter was Alkaline Trio's "I Was a Prayer". I don't own either, don't sue me!!!


	6. Surprise

Memoria

Chapter 5: Surprise

_So ya thought ya might like to_

_Go to the show_

_To feel the warm thrill of confusion and _

_That space cadet glow._

_Tell me is something eluding you, sunshine? _

_Is that not what you expected to see?_

* * *

L had thought that avoiding Light would be more difficult than this.

For the past few weeks L had kept mostly to himself, ignoring all shinigami (particularly Light) and instead thought about the past events in the human world. Surprisingly he saw Light… absolutely nowhere. Not in the shinigami realm, not in the world of the living either.

Light was not stupid, however. Hell, he couldn't even be classified as smart. The shinigami was absolutely brilliant. Most likely he had realized that something was wrong and decided it was best to simply avoid L. Why else would he stop coming to visit or even drop off his usual little gift each day?

L sighed, hugging his knees to his chest. He never realized how empty his life was a shinigami before Light had arrived. He watched the humans scurrying around, minding their own business, deep in their own thoughts and problems… It was funny, even as a shinigami, normal people could still irritate the hell out of him. He shut his eyes. Oh god, he missed Light… why couldn't things just go back to normal?

The always rational, always emotionally detached side quickly answered. It could never be the same with what he now knew. Light would never be the same Light to him ever again.

Or would he?

L blinked. Where did that thought come from? Surely just now he was only being desperate… No. That was too unlike him, even at a time like this.

So what was it? Another memory, most likely. A past speculation. Just how important was this memory, though? He sighed. If only he knew where to look, he could begin researching and bringing back his memories about this… "Kira" person.

He nibbled his thumb, lost in thought. Considering how important this Kira issue was to him, it was quite likely that he never resolved it before he died and became a shinigami. And even if he had resolved the issue before he passed on, the name itself was enough to peak anyone's curiosity. Kira… "Killer".

Obviously this meant that L was working on this as a case… As for Light, he could be classified as one of the following: an ally on the Kira case, or… a suspect. L knew he was the latter, but… could he have also been his ally? Despite how contradictory it sounded, it was not as farfetched as it seemed… L obviously… _cared_ about Light, (The detective cleared his throat, trying to stop his cheeks form turning pink) but he obviously felt some suspicion towards him as well.

But how to find out more on the Kira case… L's head snapped up with sudden determination and he shot into the sky.

* * *

Of all the times for his trademark charisma to leave him.

Light paced around his room like a caged animal, restless and anxious. While he knew he was going to let L piece together what had happened to him, Light felt that he had to go visit him… to _tell_ him something, anything, really. But he couldn't think of anything to say. For the first time ever, Light Yagami was actually speechless. He could just imagine Ryuk right now, laughing his strange "hyuk hyuk"s and asking him how he was going to get out of this…

Where was that strange shinigami, anyway?

Light's eyes grew wide and he quickly tried to get rid of the thought. Asking Ryuk for advice? It was out of the question! There was no way that he was in this big of a hole that he had to ask Ryuk for advice.

* * *

"So, Light, you became a shinigami? Now, _that_ is what I call irony, hyuk hyuk."

He could _not _believe that he was in this big of a hole that he had to ask Ryuk for advice.

Light managed a small smile (one any bigger would surely make his face crack) before continuing with what he intended to say.

"Did you know that L's a shinigami too, Ryuk?" At this Ryuk put down his apple in shock.

"Huh, no idea. Seems I've missed a lot in the Shinigami Realm while following you around." He paused for a moment. "Hasn't it been awkward, though? I mean you killed him and all… L doesn't seem like much of a pushover when it comes to something like that." Light nodded, and began telling his old friend about what had been going on ever since he became a shinigami...

* * *

"I still can't believe that Light's dead." A man said more to himself than to the others. "What are we gonna do now? He was our most important member of the team, after Ryuzaki…"

"There's not much we can do, Matsuda," Aizawa wearily replied. "We have to continue looking for leads on Kira, and hope that we find something."

L, silently perched on Aizawa's head, (it could be so fun being a shinigami…) gave a small twitch at the name Kira. After all his searching his memories finally led him back to this place, where the investigation went on… his toes wiggled as his excitement rose. This was it; he could finally learn more about-

"I wonder how Kira found out about Light… you don't think he was…?" L's hands clenched into fists and he let out a small growl.

"Don't be ridiculous!" Matsuda exclaimed as L prepared to kill everyone in the room. L continued to scowl as he sat on his human perch.

"Still, first L, then Light? It's strange, you have to admit that…. do you think we should be worried?"

"I don't know what we should be thinking right now, but we have to continue working on the case, no matter what."

"Would you all shut up and just get to the facts of this damn case?" L snapped. He rubbed his temples, wondering how he managed to give himself a migraine. He was going to be here for quite a while. Perhaps he should go out and steal himself a book to keep him occupied…

"Hey, I wonder what ever happened to the shinigami," Matsuda pondered.

"My god, you have the attention span of a rodent!" L nearly shrieked. (He was learning the benefits of being invisible and inaudible… who knew being a shinigami could be so therapeutic?) Still, the mention of a shinigami had peaked his interest. Finally, he would be getting a new lead on Kira!

"Oh yeah, Rem was her name, right?"

"Rem…?

_Headlights… people were screaming at the sight of the strange creature in the car headlights. Shouts of "monster!" and "demon!" could be heard everywhere…_

_And then L touched the notebook and he could see it too… it was absolutely fascinating! Frightening, yes, but so incredible, so different…_

"_Everyone, the shiniga-"_

_There was pain in his chest… and then there was black._

The detective shakily got up, spread his obsidian wings, and left the men to their work.

* * *

"I see, so you need to find a way to tell all of this to L without him hating you, now that he's regaining his memories."

"I wish I knew what to do, I don't know how I'm going to tell him I've changed, that I'm not Kira…" Light looked up. "When I got a hold of the Death Note a second time, and I got my memories back, I knew what my plans were, I knew what I was supposed to do… but I was disgusted with myself. I hated how getting the Death Note had changed me so much. Finally, I just…" He shook his head.

"Who could I possibly go to, Ryuk? What can I do?" The other shinigami was silent for a moment. Then-

"There's Rem." Light sat up.

That's impossible, she's dead."

"Actually, she's alive. You see, when shinigami 'die' by not writing any names or by breaking rules, they get punished. They have to spend hundreds, sometimes thousands of years creating the life spans of humans. It really sucks," Ryuk said, wincing. "Shinigami are supposed to take life, not help create it, so it's pretty tough. The only reason shinigami say that they 'die' is because death would be a helluva lot better than the punishment they have to face." Light nodded.

"How could she help me?"

* * *

The air was thick with the sound of clanking chains and the cries and screams of shinigami. L shivered as he glanced at the suffering gods of death. Was this truly the fate of those who failed to write names or who broke the rules?

At last he came upon one shinigami, lost in her painful, never-ending work. Even as L approached her she failed to notice him, instead watching the birth of a human, and calculating it's lifespan.

"The mother is of good health, the father has no hereditary diseases, and some relatively good doctors are overseeing the birth…"

"Rem-san." The shinigami's head snapped up and her one visible eye widened in disbelief.

"Lawliet?" She whispered. "How have you…? What happened…?"

"I made a pact with the shinigami king." The detective flatly replied. He stood in front of her, stopping her work. "I have some questions for you."

* * *

Another chapter done! Yay! Some people actually reviewed, thank you so much::gives internet brownies:: I thought everyone would have forgotten about this story!

So many people feel bad for Light! I feel kinda bad for all the crap I'm putting him through… I'm glad people are distinguishing between Light and Kira, though… As for what's going to happen next… well, just wait for the next chapter!

I don't own Pink Floyd or their song "In the Flesh?", and just another reminder for everyone that this story will soon be changed to M.

Until next chapter!!


	7. Confrontation

Memoria

Chapter 6: Confrontation

_To unexplain the unforgiveable _

_Drain all the blood and give the kids a show_

_By streetlight, this dark night, a séance down below,_

_There're things that I have done_

_You never should ever know._

* * *

Obsidian wings beat the air as Light sped towards the ends of the shinigami realm. 

"_L could've already found out about Rem, so be careful. You may be able to get her to put in a good word for you, though, if you get there quickly enough."_

Light's eyes desperately scanned the masses of shinigami for Rem. At last he found her, frozen in shock as she stared at L. Light swore. He was too late! What would Rem say about him? He hid himself among the other shinigami, hoping to listen in.

"…I've lost all my memories from when I was alive, but recently I've begun remember more about the last case I was working on before I died. I want you to tell me everything you can about the case." He paused for a moment. "And about Light Yagami."

"I suppose he is here, as a shinigami, as well?" L nodded.

"Did he…?"

"Kill you? Not exactly. He forced me to kill you, you were going to seize Misa Amane, a human I cared about very much, and the only way for me to prevent that was to kill you.

"Misa… the name sounds familiar…"

"Yes, she was another one of your suspects in the case." Rem paused for a moment. "You were correct, about both Misa and Light. The two of them were, in fact, Kiras."

"Kiras… would be people using Death Notes, correct?"

"Yes. Did you just remember this now?"

"No, I heard the task force members mention you. The fact that you already went out of your way to 'die' for a human involved in the case confirms that shinigami and their Death Notes were involved in the Kira case as well." Light saw an amused smile on Rem's pale face.

"Your intellect is as sharp as ever, I see. Yes, Light, the first Kira, got a Death Note from the death god Ryuk, and began using it to kill off criminals."

"He thought he was being righteous, and would become the god a new, perfect world."

"Correct again. This eventually developed into a direct battle between you and him, to find out who was who first. If Light was proven to be Kira, he would get jail and, most likely, the death penalty. While you would of course die if Light found out your name." L was silent for a moment. He seemed lost in his own thoughts perhaps remembering new aspects of the case.

"I… I remember things… about Light and I. He was actually working with me to try and capture Kira, and he was… different somehow."

"At the point during the case Light was forced to give up his Death Note so he would lose credibility as a possible suspect."

"Of course…" Before Rem could speak L said, "Light developed a split personality?"

"Yes. I suppose the power of the Death Note went to his head and he became determined to kill you. Before that, when he was 'Light' and not 'Kira', we will say, it was simply a desire to make the world a better place for everyone. To make a world without evil." Light was wondering how hard his heart would be pounding if he were alive.

"Say something, Ryuzaki… say something…" He breathed.

"Is it possible that Kira has changed back into Light after my…"

"That I do not know." L was silent once again.

"Thank you, Rem-san. I believe I know what to do now." He turned to her. "Why have you helped me so much?" The shinigami was silent for a moment.

"Perhaps I too hope that this new shinigami is Light, not Kira… because if he is Kira I will have to somehow destroy him myself for what he has done to me." L stood silently for one moment, at one point he seemed to begin to say something. He stopped himself, and instead disappeared in a flap of dark wings.

Light watched the sky for a few moments before dashing out of his hiding place. Ever second he thought he could see L coming back, diving out of the sky straight for him… He shuddered, forcing himself to show his face to Rem. Her single amber eye glared at him as he approached her.

"You missed L, if you were trying to talk to him."

"Not exactly. I was trying to speak to you before he did." Light paused for a moment. "I'm not Kira anymore, Rem."

"It will take a good deal more than just a statement from you to convince me of who you are right now."

"Very well, don't believe me and just listen instead. I just want to find a way to tell L that I am sorry, to tell him I'm not Kira but that I will take responsibility for everything that has happened. Please, can't you-,"

"Whether or not you are Kira I cannot help you in this. You have gotten yourself into this mess, so you need to tell L this yourself. Besides, I am imprisoned here, I can't leave simply because you need help with your lover." Light glared at the shinigami who simply returned an expression just as fierce. The death god spread his wings.

"Fine. Thanks anyway." He looked at her once more. "I'm sorry."

With that he was off.

* * *

There was so much that had been explained by this discovery, so much that was made clear. Why Light could look at him so tenderly and kindly one moment and so coldly the next, why L had come to love him so much and yet feel such hate and suspicion as well…

But who was he now? Was this Light or Kira? How could two people share the same face and yet be so different? L wracked his incredible brain for an answer but found that he could think of nothing. The Death Note… he had no idea it could change people in such extreme ways. Suddenly L wanted nothing more than to throw his own Death Note away and never have to look at it again…

But what about Light? Or Kira? Light was caring and righteous… he was idealistic, and he had a very witty sense of humor that L simply loved. Kira was ruthless, cruel and manipulative… How could L…?

The detective's eyes snapped open.

"Could I…?" He whispered. _Could I actually…?_

He slowed his wings, preparing to land.

* * *

Light was wondering if he was going insane. Insane with self-contempt, fear, and dread. How much had L learned by now? What could he possible be thinking of him? Light swallowed, running his hand through his hair as he approached his home.

His footsteps echoed throughout the cave, dread for some reason increasing with each step. He suddenly realized why as he eyes met with L's.

Never before had the detective ever looked so enchanting and fearful. Moonlight lit up his pale skin, giving him a ghostly glow, just like the day of his death. Those dark tresses framed his face perfectly and his eyes bore into Light as if peering into his very soul. He looked for a trace of something, or anger, of hate, but he could see nothing except his own shocked reflection in those two black mirrors…

_What are you thinking?_

"Ruh…" Light swallowed before trying again. "Ryuzaki, I have something to-," His words trailed off as the detective slowly walked towards him. After what seemed like an eternity L was right in front of him. L shivered as fingers danced across his cheeks and a voice sounded off next to his ear.

"I've been waiting for you, Light…"

The shinigami's mind seemed to shatter as L's lips pressed against his own.

* * *

One more chapter to go!!! I'm sorry, I seemed to slack off again about getting these chapters out… I feel really awful though, so I'll fart out the next chapter (which is rated M, by the way) no matter what::puts on determined I'm-gonna-fart-out-a-fanfiction-chapter face::

Yes, people, I've suddenly had to sudden urge to make L disturbingly OOC and I've made him a whore.

NOT. I'm not that bad, people!!! Give our adorable, sweets-loving detective a chance!

I do not own "This is How I Disappear" by My Chemical Romance (ironic how I'm using this song again… hee hee). Thanks for sticking with this damn story for so long, I'm really sorry it got dragged on so much… ::feels guilty…:: On to the next chapter!!


	8. Beloved

WARNING! THIS SCENE IS A YAOI SCENE, I CHANGED THE RATING ON THIS STORY TO M FOR A REASON!!  


Memoria

Chapter 7: Beloved

_Love, love is a verb, _

_Love is a doing word._

_Fearless on my breath._

* * *

Light shivered, feeling another ounce of sanity slip through his fingers like smoke. He should forget telling L, and just… no, this was wrong, he couldn't- 

A warm, wet tongue suddenly brushed against his lips. Light snapped. His mouth flew open, tongue meeting tongue, and before he could stop himself, dominating and devouring. He felt L gasp against him as his arms wrapped around the detective's thin waist, crushing him against the other shinigami so tightly not even a sliver of light could get between them…

A flash of horror flitted across Light's mind. He tore himself away, nearly knocking himself over. He turned away, unable to look the black-haired shinigami in the eye.

_Oh god… What am I doing?_

"Light…?" A voice gasped. "What's wrong? Do you… not want this?" Light shut his eyes.

_Don't say that, it's not that, you know it isn't…_

"I…" He stammered. "I shouldn't be… I can't-," L's head buried itself in the crook of the confused shinigami's neck.

"Please, Light…" He whispered. Another ounce of sanity. Gone. "Don't do this to me." Light squeezed his eyes shut.

"You… you don't know what you're saying… what you're_asking!_"

_Please, don't' make me do this…_

"You do not need to treat me like a child, Light-kun." He said, chuckling. His eyes narrowed as he moved closer to Light's ear, giving it a small nip. Light gasped in surprise.

"If you don't think I know what I'm asking you…" He rasped beguilingly. "_Show me_. Make me understand."

_Goddammit, Ryuzaki!_ Light internally screamed. He wanted to grab this damn detective and never let him go… It would be so easy to just-

"It's wrong, I… I can't, Ryuzaki. We-,"

"Why? Why can't you? If something's wrong, can't it just wait?" Obsidian eyes met his own. "Until… morning?"

Light suddenly felt like he was being punched in the gut, slipping away and giving up the last bit of sanity he had… He gently brought L's body close to his own, holding him as if he would break at any second. Slowly he brought his head down closer and closer, dying all over again at the thought of tasting those already kiss-swollen lips…

"Alright…" He whispered, "Until morning."

Half of him suddenly wanted to die.

* * *

L's eyes shut as Light's lips brushed against his own. He could feel his knees getting weak, he was suddenly afraid he was going to fall as Light's tongue slipped into his mouth, sending jolts of delight and excitement up his spine. It all felt so good… and _familiar_… 

And yet it was all so new. L struggled to simply stand, to stop himself from melting in Light's arms as his kisses trailed themselves down his neck and collarbone and then up his neck again. His hands grabbed fistfuls of brown hair as Light traced his jawbone with his tongue and grazed the skin on his neck with his teeth. A small whimper escaped past his lips as L clung to Light, trying to endure this wonderful torture…

L's lips crashed against the other shinigami's. More, he needed more. Light or Kira, it didn't matter. He just needed more of this or he would die all over again…

"Light…" He whispered, hoping it was Light he spoke to.

Suddenly everything seemed to speed up. L threw his head back, surrendering himself to the barrage of kisses. He gasped as he felt Light's hand moving up and down his bare chest. When had his shirt been taken off…?

L squeezed his eyes shut and opened them again. He didn't realize that when he did this he would end up losing his mind! Flashes of need and desire went off in his head like fireworks and tension seemed to build and build low in his abdomen as Light explored him with his tongue…

Somewhere in the back of L's mind he realized his back had just hit the bed. He didn't even realize he was falling. Light's hands worked at removing his own shirt before traveling down L's stomach and abdomen, lower and lower until he reached between the detective's lets and stroked him through the denim of his jeans.

Suddenly L let out a cry and he arched into Light's hand, fingers clawing through Light's hair as the feeling in his stomach increased.

"Oh, god… Light…" L whimpered, squirming against the other shinigami's touch. His hips bucked and strained against Light's hand, wriggling themselves out of his pants as Light undid the zipper. This was all so strange, it was too much, yet not enough, painful yet so good. Was this him and Light, back when they were human?

_This feeling… I remember it._

L cried out again, whimpering and squirming against Light as a slender finger slid inside of him. The discomfort was soon replaced with a familiar sensation continuing to build in his stomach as Light added a second finger, palming him with the other hand and drawing from L yet another moan. Through the haze of pleasure and need L saw Light pause for a moment. Guilt filled eyes met his own, temporarily snapping L out of his stupor.

"Ryuzaki… do you really want to…?" L's arms wrapped around the other shinigami, bringing him close.

"Yes…" L gasped. "Light…_please_…" Light's lips pressed against the detective's.

"_I love you_."

L's eyes snapped open. For a moment all he could do was stare at Light. Those three words seemed to be replaying themselves over and over in L's head…

_I love you._

L gasped and his eyes shut as Light slowly, gently pushed into him. He could hear Light moaning above him as the sweet pain diffused throughout L's body and a slowly increasing pleasure began to replace it.

"Ryuzaki…" Light gasped. "Are you…?" L nodded.

"Please, Light, just…"

Light gently started thrusting into him, slowly and gently at first, then gaining speed. L dug his nails into Light's back, lost in a sea of lust and memories…

_I remember… being so close, just like this. I was afraid of when it would end… Just like I'm afraid now._

_**You shouldn't be letting me do this, you should be disgusted, sickened by such a despicable monster like me…**_

_I had to know who you were, I could never just let it be…_

_**Could you ever forgive me…? No, I won't ask that of you…**_

_I want you, I need you…!_

"Li…ght!" L managed to groan. Waves of pleasure resonated throughout his body, crashing around him, carrying him closer and closer to the edge. L felt like he was dying all over again, like he was going to explode…

"Ryu…zaki…"

Suddenly the edge was behind him.

"Ugh! _LIGHT!_" L yelled. Waves of pleasure crashed over him, flooding and inundating him, and soon they were both limp beside each other, gasping and fighting to regain their breath.

Slowly L managed to crawl beside Light, and lay his head on the other death god's chest. He shut his eyes, still replaying those three, most important words he had ever heard:

_I love you. _

* * *

He was despicable. He really was. He wasn't Kira, but as Light watched the sleeping detective, he thought he may as well be… Tears spilled from his eyes and over his cheeks in a seemingly endless river. He slowly began to get up, unable to stay in the detective's presence any longer. 

"I'm sorry, Ryuzaki… I'm so sorry." He whispered. "I could never ask you to forgive me."

A pale arm suddenly reached out towards him. A slender finger wiped the tears away, and caressed the wet cheek. Light looked down, shocked. The seemingly sleeping L opened his eyes and gave Light a small smile.

"There's nothing to forgive.

**Owari**

My face was beet-red as I was writing this.

I hope you all enjoyed reading this story, despite how terrible I was at updating… (I really am sorry!!!!!)

I tried not to make the yaoi scene too graphic because I thought that it might detract, but I don't think I did too bad a job, considering this was my first one… what do you guys think? Any constructive criticism is appreciated!!

As for L's plan, I think I did a pretty good job explaining it, but for anyone who doesn't exactly get it, L pretty much did what he did to tell the difference between Kira and Light.

Since Kira is so manipulative, he wouldn't have cared if he slept with L because he doesn't care about whether or not he gets hurt. Light, on the other hand, would not be able to handle using someone like that because of his idealistic nature. In the manga, there's a scene where L asks Light to use Misa in the Kira investigation, but Light refuses, saying using people in any way is simply wrong. Obviously, Kira has no problem using Misa as much as he needs to. While Kira could have faked being Light, seeing through L's plan, he probably wouldn't try walking out, like Light did, and would have just fallen asleep or something.

Anyway, I had a lot of fun writing this story, and I hope you all had just as much fun reading it! Thank you so much for taking time out to read this!

I do not own "Teardrop" by Massive Attack.


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